


If god is watching

by necroscura



Category: ARGONAVIS from BanG Dream! AAside (Video Game)
Genre: Choking, Dry Humping, Implied/Referenced Incest, M/M, Unhealthy Relationships, edgy stuff, its just kanata freaking haruka out, kanata tells haruka very explicitly how he would hurt him, they have a pseudo religious debate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-17 12:42:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29350635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/necroscura/pseuds/necroscura
Summary: “Do you wanna choke me? Do you wanna put my head underwater?” Kanata mumbles, voice so calm and soothing it doesn’t match with the awful things he says. “I’d let you—  I mean, wouldn’t that be nice for you, aniki? To finally be yourself and stop holding back.”
Relationships: Nijo Haruka/Nijo Kanata
Comments: 4
Kudos: 17





	If god is watching

Sometimes it happens: when Kanata begins to speak there’s no divine force able to stop him. He never says anything interesting, he never says anything honest or important, everything that comes out of Kanata's mouth are unnecessary and empty delusions that follow the same methodical order with the sole and exclusive purpose of making Haruka feel that very specific sensation of itching underneath his skin.

There are days when he's lucky and manages to lock himself in his room before Kanata has the slightest chance to speak to him, but they are family, they live in the same house, they are twins - and the twins are supposed to have a special connection. And that explains how Kanata seems to know what he does, what he will do, at what time, twenty-four hours a day, almost as convincingly as does the fairly justified suspicion that Kanata knows every detail in his routine based on harassment as a last and desperate resource, after having taken care of destroying that special connection over the years mixed with a series of circumstances that from time to time take away Haruka's sleep, since he cannot make any sense out of them.

So avoiding Kanata is difficult if not impossible, which is why Haruka has developed this kind of defense mechanism for those times when he has no choice but to wait for Kanata to get tired of not receiving a satisfactory answer: everything becomes white silence. It happens when he least expects it, maybe at that exact moment when his psyche accepts that there is nothing else to do, and suddenly, nothing Kanata utters has a real sound and only a slight static sound comes out of his lips, so weak it doesn’t even bother him.

This, of course, stops working when Haruka is aware of it happening. It was comforting at first, until those blank spaces started to fill in with thoughts that even though Haruka knows exactly where they are born from, and is not at all surprised to have them, that doesn't make them any less horrible.

And Haruka would really like them to disappear - those thoughts, because he knows that they are the kind of primitive thoughts that once awaken, are impossible to lock up again and far from fading away, they become chronic like an echo rumbling in an empty tunnel. That's why it doesn’t surprise him when one day they explode. If the root of this problem is Kanata, everything’s solved by shutting him up, and there are plenty of ways to achieve that.

The next thing Haruka knows is that his fingers press both sides of Kanata's throat and that poisonous smile that he usually has etched on his lips twists into a surprised grimace, then in pain, when all the impulse and violence that Haruka put into the sudden act drives him back until Kanata's entire body hits the wall with a dull noise. If giving in to one of his lower instincts is already humiliating on its own, the inevitable satisfaction Haruka feels at hearing Kanata's heavy breathing, seeing that ever-confident gaze distorted into what appears to be fear, is an agglutination of guilt and pride that burns in his stomach like bile.

But it doesn't last long, because Kanata is smiling again, in a matter of seconds, raising his chin in response to the pressure on his throat and closing his fists around Haruka's wrists with a shocking delicacy, which makes any regret that could have started to shape in Haruka's gut begin to dissolve as if it had never been there.

“I knew it, aniki. I knew you wanted it.” Kanata says, with some difficulty. His voice is restricted and it is that Kanata holds him firmly, not strong enough so that the air cannot pass through his lungs, but it is enough so that Kanata's breathing makes a heavy sound every time he inhales.

“What?”

“It’s okay, it’s normal. Just do it.”

“The fuck are you saying?” he snarls, and Kanata's grin goes wider. 

Maybe it's the heat of the moment, the pent-up anger spilling out after so long being bottled up that whatever Kanata is trying to say doesn't make any sense.

“What? Do you really wanna play dumb, aniki? It’s okay. It’s okay. Listen— I think about it all the time. I can’t help it, and if I did, that’d be like… like going against nature. Every night I dream about smashing your head against the table’s corner, and I think, how beautiful would it be to hit you until my knuckles are all bruised and bleeding, so— I just… I knew. Do it. If that’s what you want.” Kanata talks, suddenly too fast. Haruka barely can understand what he’s saying, since he’s slurring every word out of his mouth and there’s a wild, blurred look inside his eyes.

Years have passed since the last time he saw that look on Kanata, and it’s never a good omen. It scares him a little, and Haruka hopes Kanata doesn’t notice. 

“I don’t…” he starts, but the words die on his tongue. His mind goes blank and he cannot formulate a proper answer, if there’s one. 

Kanata slips his tongue over his lips, eyes wide and focused on Haruka’s. Haruka can feel the rush of blood pumping through the veins under his fingers as Kanta caresses his writs almost imperceptibly. He’s very aware of the touch, of the situation, and it itches like everything that Kanata puts his hands on. 

“Do you wanna choke me? Do you wanna put my head underwater?” Kanata mumbles, voice so calm and soothing it doesn’t match with the awful things he says. “I’d let you— I mean, wouldn’t that be nice for you, aniki? To finally be yourself and stop holding back.”

Haruka isn't sure what to say, he's not sure if he should even answer something, or if the best option would be to take a step back as if none of this had happened and leave it in the past. He’s not used to talking to Kanata. He's used to seeing Kanata do things, hearing him say things behind his back, and the conclusion of it all being a good five minutes in which his ears end up hissing, unable to even perceive his own voice after crushing his own vocal cords screaming.

And it's all so empty and hollow and they both know it, and that's maybe why Kanata does what he does. Haruka wonders how much Kanata's soul has rotted over the years, and if the little Kanata from middle school would be able to say what he’s saying right now.

“Who the fuck do you think I am? Stop grossing me out!” he yells and he means it, Kanata closes his eyes, wrinkles sharpening around his eyelids, and he shudders. Haruka’s stomach burns. ”I'm not sick like you.”

“Is that so? Then, I wonder, why you aren’t letting me go. Doesn’t kind me gave you enough time?” he laughs, and Haruka thinks. He wants to believe it’s the sense of control, to have power over Kanata after years of not having power over nothing in his life at all. Here, with his fists curled around Kanata’s throat, pinning him against the wall, Haruka can feel he’s in control once and for all. 

But that’s not true. Deep down he knows Kanata is letting it happen, he’s even asking for it. This has to bring Kanata some weird sense of amusement or something Haruka can’t and doesn’t want to understand, but he’s getting along with it- because he’s growing scared of what would happen if he lets Kanata go.

“‘Cause we were made for each other!” he says, overlapping Haruka’s silence.“We’re just the same, and I swear it’s normal, so, do it.”

“You really have a twisted sense of normalcy, huh.”

“No,” Kanata says, immediately, so fast and reactionary, Haruka regrets having opened his mouth. “No, that was you who messed it up, you don’t understand. I’m completely fine, ‘cause I’m not staining the nature of my core with some shallow, manufactured morals. You’re not a saint, aniki, so stop it already. I can’t even imagine how miserable you must feel, always acting, tamed by a creed of made up guilt for just being.” he talks so engrossed and absorbed, Haruka might think he’s talking to himself, too fascinated to be finally able to burst it out and say what it seems to be something he thought about already too many times before, delighted just to know that Haruka is listening: the real thing, finally. “I doubt you ever believed in god, but if he exists, if he’s watching- I’m sure it’d be okay. This has nothing to do with your beliefs, if you like it or not, it’s all about nature and what it simply is, and it’s something bigger and darker and stronger than all of us. And if god is watching, aniki, I swear he's letting it happen, ‘cause this is what it's supposed to happen, doesn't it? We were born to tear apart and consume and cannibalize each other and that's okay. It happens all the time and we can't do anything about it, just— accept it like it is.”

The trick to deal with Kanata is not to panic. It doesn’t matter what he says, what he does, getting panicked is going to make it worse. But Haruka gets worked up, always, every time, and that is what Kanata loves the most, like dropping blood into a shark’s nose.

Can Kanata feel his fingers getting colder on his neck?

"You sick fucker.” Haruka says, voice trembling a little, just a little, so maybe Kanata doesn’t notice. “You're only saying all this bullshit to make on your nonsense."

"No, I mean it." 

"You want me to do it." 

"If that's what aniki wants, yes." he announces, proudly.

"You know? If god exists I don't care if he's watching or if he thinks this is okay and I bet you either, Kanata. You just want to delude me into your— into whatever the fuck this is, like you’ve always do.” 

“No, aniki, I’m telling you the truth. When you embrace all your reasons and conclusions, all your urges and consequences, it’s like…, you feel lighter and..., and you know it’s the right thing. So, believe me— ”

There’s something alluring about Kanata letting him do it, about Kanata begging him to do it. Haruka refuses to get deep into Kanata’s rambles, but second thought, being able to do it with no real consequences doesn’t sound bad. So, he indulges himself, letting his hands press on both sides of Kanata’s neck.

Kanata gives a last sharp inhale, before his face starts to slowly turn a lovely shade of red. He clings to Haruka’s arms, sinking his nails into the skin as his throat makes an awful, scratchy noise every time he instinctively tries to refill his lungs. Haruka can see some tears accumulating on Kanata’s lashes, flattened against his cheeks, and he kind of wishes for Kanata to open his eyes and see if he still has that black hole reflected in them.

But Kanata doesn’t open his eyes, he just tightens his teeth and bears it, until the tears dig a wet path down his cheeks and his face is contorted in the less glamorous way. 

Haruka is wondering when he should stop when he feels it: Kanata’s lower body, humping awkwardly against his leg. It doesn’t even surprise him. Of course, he is getting off on it.

The time is not enough to even give him a chance to feel disgusted, his fingers little by little begin to lose their grip and Kanata’s hips jerk once or twice when he groans weakly and his whole body goes stiff. The way Haruka lets him go is rather rough, practically pushing Kanata against the wall as if the sheer touch of him burned. 

“Aniki…” Kanata says between coughs, voice coarse. He’s touching his neck, rubbing the skin, and even then, Haruka can see his fingers imprinted on it very clearly. “You were so good, I love you, I love you so much, more than anything— ”

All comes together. Maybe Haruka can understand what Kanata said. The thought flashes behind his eyes: If Haruka kicks him hard on the mouth, that will surely shut him up. But then it goes away, as fleeting as it came. Haruka doesn’t say anything, he just leaves.

**Author's Note:**

> i like the nijo twins i think theyre neat


End file.
